Biblical Counseling and Asperger's Syndrome

As my Asperger's journey continues, I am finally finding a few truly helpful answers to my nearly overwhelming struggles. Recently, I received an abundance of counsel as I sought help from Biblical Counseling. (If you are unfamiliar with that term, it refers to the branch of Christian counseling that is nouthetic and seeks to direct counselees directly to the Bible for answers to their problems. You can go to http://www.nanc.org/ and then click on the right sidebar to find a counselor in your area. Sometimes the counsel is provided free of charge through a church, though not always.) Biblical counseling can be painful, but I believe it quickly gets to the root of most problems so that the counselee gets the true help they need.

I will start with posting a few of the resources that have recently made the strongest impact on me. Maybe I can elaborate further another time.

*In dealing with the anger, pain, and bitterness I have experienced in relationship to the aspies in my life, the most help has come from reading (and re-reading) Lou Priolo's booklet "Bitterness: the Root that Pollutes" http://www.prpbooks.com/ This is a small pamphlet-type booklet that is packed with gems that will convict, challenge, and give you clear direction when facing the most difficult of situations with the most difficult people/enemies in your life.

*For Christian wives of aspies, please read "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace (Focus Publishing). It's not an easy read as it seems more like a biblical commentary than a marriage book, but there are chapters on living with a difficult husband that will help you turn your depressing thoughts toward more godly thinking.
*For husbands of aspies, the complementary book is called "The Exemplary Husband" by Stuart Scott. I haven't read it, so if you do, please let me know what you think. I suspect it will help you to love your difficult wife as the Bible commands you to do.

*For biblically parenting a child with Asperger's, read "Finding Your Child's Way on the Autism Spectrum: Discovering Unique Strengths, Mastering Behavior Challenges" by Dr. Laura Hendrickson. Dr. Hendrickson is a biblical counselor, a former psychiatrist, and the mom to an autistic son. If you are familiar with "Shepherding a Child's Heart" then you will understand what I mean by saying "This is like Shepherding an Autistic Child's Heart." A great little book!

Most of these can be found on Amazon.com.

Does he want a wife or a STEPFORD wife?

Forgive the negativity, it's been a rough day. A day that has me wondering . . . Do Aspie males want a wife, or do they want a STEPFORD wife?

Seems that any (okay, maybe any extreme) show of emotion-- be it happiness, sadness, or whatever, is met with criticism. Would he rather his wife be a robot, agreeing with him in all areas, smiling and head-bobbing at everything life throws her way?

Does he not want a human, emotional, normal woman to be his spouse? One who can sometimes be ecstatic or depressed? One who wants, even needs, him to respond to her with at least an expression of understanding?

I'm throwing up my hands in utter confusion.

It's been a rough day.

Expressive Language Disorder

Our daughter was diagnosed by the speech therapist with Expressive Language Disorder. From what I understand, Social Pragmatic Disorder is included in this, but ELD is more comprehensive in scope.

Her recent "homework" is to name three things/attributes about any given object. For example, I am to say "tell me three things about a cookie." This is harder for her than I would have imagined.

She also was given a short paragraph to read and then is told to choose between three options of what might have happened next, what is the likely reason the person did something, or what would the person like best . . . She was NOT able to get these correct!

Another page of homework has sentences describing a situation and she is to answer how she thinks each person would feel in the situation.

I would not have thought to work on any of these things without the direction of the speech therapist, so I am very glad we are pursuing this!

Brutally Honest (can be a good thing)

Aspies are often characterized as brutally honest. Yes, there are times that this is downright painful. But it can also be a very good thing.

I love that I can trust my husband to tell me the truth (even about things I may not want to hear). I have never doubted his loyalty, integrity, or honesty. I know these characteristics are qualities of a godly, mature Christian. They are also commonly attributed to people with Asperger's.

Whatever the cause of such positive traits, I am deeply thankful for them!

In Sickness and In Health

Another illness hit me recently, which meant another time of being painfully ignored by my aspie spouse.

My young son asked "Are you okay Mom? I hope you feel better! I love you!" and he gave me a hug.

My spouse acted perturbed that my illness messed up his plans for the day. He didn't once ask how I was feeling or if he could bring me anything.

As I was crying and praying and reading the Bible, I thought of the solemn vows I took before God to love this man for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I have always thought "of course I'll love him when he's sick . . . I'll take care of him!"

I had never before thought how hard it may be to love him when I am sick! But I vowed to do just that.

Man, is it ever hard.

Our church teaches that the Bible allows for divorce in the cases of adultery and abandonment (and of course, physical abuse). But I do not believe being ignored when I am ill is Biblical grounds for divorce.

So if I can't run away . . . I need to face the situation I am in, and face it as a Christian should. I believe God is sovereign, so He is in control and has ordained every situation I face for my good, that I may be sanctified/made more like Christ. (Romans 8:28) He put me in this asperger marriage, and has a plan for my good. I am called to be loving, to persevere in the faith, and yes, even to be thankful during the worst of times as well as the times that are better.

I frequently send up a quick but sincere plea . . . Lord, help me!

The Asperger's Movie, "Adam"

A great movie for any adult who is familiar with Asperger's Syndrome is the newly released independent film, "Adam". The trailer may seem like a funny romance, but if you have Asperger's in the family, this will hit home and may hit hard.

As accurate a portrayal of AS as I have ever seen on film, parts were so disturbing that I cried. This is not a movie for children, but you may want to buy the DVD when it comes out to share with friends and family! Those more likely to watch a movie than read a book will come away with a more clear picture of life with Asperger's Syndrome.

Lack of Empathy/Empathic Response

There are many strengths an aspie can bring to a marriage. And, honestly, more often than not all is well with us! But when illness strikes and say, for example, my spouse comes home to find me coughing, congested, and moving slowly due to aches and pains, I expect an empathic response. My toddler hears me cough and says "You okay, Mommy? You okay?" But my aspie spouse may not even think to ask "How are you feeling?" once throughout my illness.

This can be extremely depressing and upsetting. I try to remember that it just doesn't come naturally for an aspie to have the typical empathic response. But when I am sick or weak and am not offered any help or emotional support I tend to be filled with grief, anger and self-pity at how lonely and uncared for I feel.

I don't know how to properly react during such times. I sometimes say "It hurts my feelings that you haven't asked how I'm feeling." He then feels guilty and/or criticized. I wonder if I should continue to do this. Will it one day 'stick' that a simple "how are you" could actually make me feel better?

Recently after a painful morning of tears that went ignored for ten minutes and then I was asked "What are you crying about?!" I heard a sermon on loving your enemies. The pastor said that sometimes our enemies are in our own families. (That seems a strong word to apply to a spouse, but sometimes lack of empathy, no matter what the cause, can honestly make you feel as if you are with an enemy rather than a friend!) The pastor said we are not to curse and be angry with our enemies but are rather to love and bless them. Interestingly enough, this was followed up with the pastor saying "The Bible requires empathic response. Be happy with those who are happy. Be sad with those who are sad." I almost fell out of the seat. :o) I can't change my spouse, but there is One who can and I need to pray about this!

But what am I to do during the hard times? As a Christian I know I must turn to the Lord to meet the needs that my spouse can never meet. Christ is the perfect friend, spouse, and comforter. He knows my pain and can heal it.

This "Hymn of a Hurting Heart" helps me to keep the right perspective.

I need Thee, How I need Thee.

Help me love and bless my aspies.

When no empathy is shown me

You will meet my every need.